Practice Reckless Optimism. I am killin’ this game. Being reckless? That’s a hardcore yes. Optimistic? Unusually yes. I am practicing the shit out of this philosophy created by my fav Hannah Hart. For me it means finding hope in what might be a hopeless situation.
I quit my job.
Yes, let that sink in. Worry about how I will make money, what I will do with my extra time. Worry that I’m not on my meds (I am). Worry that I’m not doing okay. Now, take that worry and for lack of better words…shove it. I am doing the best ever. I feel light. I feel hopeful. I truly feel like I’m moving in the right direction. That job was bringing me down so hard. My mental health was suffering almost beyond repair. I knew I’d be missing more work in the future in order to take care of myself. Monday and Tuesday I literally spent 8 hours staring at my computer or at my phone. I had absolutely zero drive. I couldn’t focus. Blame it on the new meds or whatever. I just couldn’t do it. My nightly self care routine hasn’t been enough to make up for the way I felt 8 hours a day at work.
Here’s what this means. I know I won’t have the freedom to see the shows I have had the privilege and honor to see since moving here. My already non existent social life will suffer because I won’t have money to enjoy any of those activities. I will be taking odd jobs until something better comes along. Honestly the idea of doing something different every day or each week excites me though. I’ve been bored too long. Cubicle life just wasn’t for me.
Speaking of cubicle life. Did I ever mention how I manifested that job? A cubicle job was all I craved while working shitty hours at coffee stands. I’d dream of it. I would feel legitimate if only I had my very own cubicle to decorate. It would mean “I’d made it”. It’s a “real job” if you work a 9-5 doing data entry in a windowless building. About a month into the job I knew this wasn’t what I wanted and yet I stood back in awe at the power of my brain. It’s part of the reason I feel so hopeful now. If I want it bad enough. If I work hard enough. I can have it.
This is why I’m putting every ounce of energy I have into my goal. I took action. I’m moving forward. Stop worrying because I’m not.
Happy to report that the mood here has improved. I still hate my job, but the meds make me just go through the motions. Not something I want permanently, but we are in survival mode here people.
So I’ve mentioned I have goals that have no wavered even in this slump I’ve been in. I’ve been hesitant to mention this goal because it seems so unreachable and yet I know I will make it happen. I’ve never wanted anything more.
I want to work for Unicorn Island Productions in any way shape or form. Even if this means for free. I.Will.Make.This.Happen. I have no idea how mind you, I just know that I will make it work. I want to go to work at something I’m passionate about. Unicorn Island Productions tell stories that aren’t being told in mainstream media and that is what I’ve fallen in love with.
I won’t be told no. I won’t be told “Amy, that’s not going to happen”. I will fight for this. I will come back to this post and sit in awe at the power of a good hustle.
I feel at a loss today. I’m in yet another coffee shop. Starbucks my old friend. I should be at work again, but I’m not. I have a doctor’s note and a stack of benzodiazepines. Is this blog getting boring, too real, too heavy? Comment below.
Sorry for the bummer attitude of these most recent posts. What can I say? Amy Uncharted just isn’t feeling as positive as usual. And it’s a weird thing. I’m not feeling depressed per say. I still have my goals in mind that I’m actively pursuing. Life doesn’t feel all that bad. I am just reaching this point where I need to do something of value and what I’m doing now just seems so pointless.
I have this app on my phone called “Subliminal Vision Board”. It’s an electronic vision board generator. I’ve been using it quite heavily and it’s pretty fun and helpful. I’ve created one for Money, Career, and Friends. It’s cool because it lets you add music too. You can take a “Subliminal Take 5” where you look at your vision board while the photos flash in front of you and the music plays. I’ve been watching mine every day and it’s part of what has kept me as positive as possible. Here is one of my vision boards:
The music that plays along with this one is Lilly Singh’s “Voices”. I find it very inspiring.
I will leave you with that video.
I’m sitting at a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf this morning. Coffee shops are my uppers. Honestly, when I feel shitty I instantly feel a little better with my computer, a cup of coffee, and a comfy chair. What am I doing you might ask? Well, I took the day off. I have a psych appointment at 1:30 and in the mean time I’m job hunting and applying. This is 100% a better use of my time than stressing at work. You may not agree. You may think I’m being lazy or irresponsible, but to that I say I am simply chasing something better. I don’t know what it is…but I know I won’t find it at work today. Am I feeling guilty? You bet. Am I feeling nervous about returning to work tomorrow to 1 million emails, angry customers, and the need for a valid excuse to tell my boss? Indeed. I can’t think about tomorrow. I seriously feel like I’m going to have a heart attack when I do. My heart tightens, I lose my breath, and my stomach drops. What is wrong with me?
When I feel like this you know what I like to do? Think about aliens. I even watch alien documentaries. Why? Because it makes all these stupid problems seem so small and unimportant. Just thinking about the universe(s) can calm me down. This life is just a dot. So small.
So I’ll leave it at that. I have a lot to work on today.
I’m on the hunt for a new job and it has to happen fast. I need to get out of where I am. My current position is triggering panic attacks left and right, making me extremely unreliable when it comes to my attendance. I left work early again today. Honestly, heart racing, sweaty palms, massive headache 30 minutes into my shift all dissolved and gone the second I stepped out of the building. Customer service has always done this to me. Sometimes it happens years into my job, a few months, or just weeks. Then I sit there and suffer until I just up and quit. I’m trying so hard right now to stick it out and be responsible, but I secretly packed up my desk today as if I wasn’t coming back. To be continued…
So much has happened since last writing. I don’t know where to begin. After 3 years on my bucket list I finally made it to Burning Man. What. A. Trip. A majority of the time I felt like I was on another planet. I mean where on earth is it normal for someone to invite you into their RV for an Otter Pop and foot massage? I was going to designate an entire blog to this event, but I just struggled trying to writing it. Some things I did do: Joined a couple in a yurt for some peppermint tea and hookah, enjoyed vegan grilled cheese sandwiches, stayed out until 6am (yes…me!) riding around the Playa exploring the amazing colors/lights/costumes/burns, and watched the sunrise/set. I even visited the Black Rock City library where I picked up a copy of A Wrinkle in Time. Good read.
I had a really hard time at the start of the trip. I’d heard how everyone is so friendly at burning man and that I’d leave with many deep friendships. After day 3 on the Playa I hadn’t met anyone. I was lonely. And then a day and a half dust storm rolled through. I was done. I packed all my stuff back in my car vowing to leave once the storm stopped. And then I was invited out to explore the desert with my neighbors. I had such a wonderful time, felt less lonely, and finally saw what burning man was all about. Not sure if those guys realized the impact that invite had on me. I ended up staying through the man burn and now know I would have regretted leaving early.
After arriving home I had other events to attend. First up was an Emilie Autumn meetup. It’s always nice getting together with fellow plague rats. We enjoyed a picnic and discussed the treasure hunt, as well as started planning our next get together. Later in the evening I saw Evanescence and Lindsey Sterling in concert and it was pretty amazing. I keep meaning to devote a blog to my guilty pleasure Evanescence…remind me of that when I’m struggling for topics. Also, yet again, Lilly Singh and I crossed paths. She was sitting no more than 10 rows ahead of me. I didn’t know she was at the show until after, but damn…I tell you I’m destined to meet her one of these days. In all honesty, I probably wouldn’t have said hello. The universe is prepping the most epic of times for this meeting to happen and I’ll be fully ready by then.
So, those were my August/September adventures. September also holds more fun times. Next Wednesday is another Mamrie Hart show! No matter how many times I’ve seen her, I’m still excited. Next weekend I’ll be hanging out with my aunt and cousin at Universal! Harry Potter overload here I come! Then, the weekend after that I’m meeting with another fellow plague rat for coffee. Doing things alone is starting to lose it’s appeal so it will be nice to have some company.
Until the next great adventure…
I took a half day today because I was seconds from just walking out on my job. Sometimes you just have to take a mental health day and deal with the paycheck consequences. I hate how I need to fake some flu/migraine/cold in order to leave for the day. I just want to say I’m having massive, crushing anxiety at the thought of being stuck at this job for another 7 hours. We were severely understaffed too so I’m sure everyone is super pleased with me. I’ve now added guilt to the anxiety soup I’m cooking up here.
It’s easy to take the day off and curl up under the blankets dramatically thinking how your job is sucking out your soul. Really that’s ALL I want to do. But in order to return to work tomorrow in a better state than I am in today, I need to be productive. What do you all do to make the most out of a mental health day? This is a list I’ve compiled of things that have worked for me, and what I’ll be spending the rest of the day doing:
1. Expose your brain to some positivity and inspiration by checking out motivational videos on Youtube. I’ll suggest any interview with Lilly Singh, Jay Shetty, or Brene Brown. They will pump you up…promise.
2. Blog, journal, or just free write. It’s good to empty that brain especially when super stressed out or anxious. Hello! Welcome to the reason I’m blogging today. Sometimes it feels good to just type or scratch that pen across the paper even if you don’t have anything to say. I used to type out song lyrics because the clicking of the keyboard calmed me down.
3. Read a good book. This is when Harry Potter comes in handy. Or any fantasy book really. I love immersing myself in a pretend world when everything else is too overwhelming. Escapism yes, but a little bit of that is healthy right?
4. While you are curling up with that book why not add a good cup of coffee and the companionship of a furry friend. Seriously, this is my dream day. Coffee+Book+Cat=Stress free Amy. I’ll suggest a cat café if you don’t have a pet of your own.
5. Work on your resume and job hunt. This sounds so unappealing doesn’t it? I’m mentioning this anyway because it really helps me focus on the future. It gives me a reason to be positive about my current shitty job, knowing there will one day be an out.
So that’s what I’m doing. I wish I could take one more day, but since I’m not dying of the flu I suppose I’ll have to go back tomorrow.