Welp, it’s quite possible the transmission in my car went out. And yet, huzzah! I still feel positive about life. I’m unemployed, have no way to pay for this car issue, and will probably have to take out a hefty loan, but ya know what? Life is pretty good. Again, I am acing this Reckless Optimism.
Gratitude journals are all the rage and I can’t say I’ve hopped on that train, but it’s been more of a mental thing for me since quitting my job. I feel I have more to be grateful for now.
-I am breathing and my heart beats normally
-I am educated
-I have the most easy going cat
-I have a place to live
-I have access to clean water
The list goes on. How cheesy am I being right now?
I just feel good. That is all.
OOOHHH also I forgot to wish everyone a happy MONDAY October FIRST. I love when the beginning of the month lands on a Monday. Maybe that’s why I’m feelin’ so good.
I literally run on cold brew coffee.
I am feeling refreshed. Air has suddenly filled my lungs. My heart is pumping. My eyes are starting to see the world again.
Today I found a new coffee shop. It’s pretty cute. As a matter of fact I’m sharing a counter with a tiny succulent and what I can only assume are 4 professional bloggers. God, wouldn’t that be the life? The job. The goal. To just sit in coffee shops talking to the internet all day everyday. *Sigh* One can dream. If only my life were exciting enough to be a lifestyle blogger. I do want to get more serious about my blog though. Starting with an update of photos.
I woke up this morning and had a good long read in my bunny slippers. Ah yes, the first few days of unemployment are blissful. It’s the days after that panic starts to set in. I do; however, feel pretty confident that I can get this production assistant plan off the ground. I’m going to do a couple of unpaid projects coming up, but I’m hoping they will lead to some connections or hey, I’ll even take friendships.
Also if you just some random things that don’t deserve a whole paragraph:
Avril Lavigne’s new song is awesome (save your judgment)
American Horror Story is creeping me out. Good job.
I just finished The Sinner with Jessica Biel and highly recommend it.
Reading “Well that escalated quickly”…also highly recommend.
I’m only 20 books into my 50 book goal for the year. Let’s do the math (10 books a month)
Practice Reckless Optimism. I am killin’ this game. Being reckless? That’s a hardcore yes. Optimistic? Unusually yes. I am practicing the shit out of this philosophy created by my fav Hannah Hart. For me it means finding hope in what might be a hopeless situation.
I quit my job.
Yes, let that sink in. Worry about how I will make money, what I will do with my extra time. Worry that I’m not on my meds (I am). Worry that I’m not doing okay. Now, take that worry and for lack of better words…shove it. I am doing the best ever. I feel light. I feel hopeful. I truly feel like I’m moving in the right direction. That job was bringing me down so hard. My mental health was suffering almost beyond repair. I knew I’d be missing more work in the future in order to take care of myself. Monday and Tuesday I literally spent 8 hours staring at my computer or at my phone. I had absolutely zero drive. I couldn’t focus. Blame it on the new meds or whatever. I just couldn’t do it. My nightly self care routine hasn’t been enough to make up for the way I felt 8 hours a day at work.
Here’s what this means. I know I won’t have the freedom to see the shows I have had the privilege and honor to see since moving here. My already non existent social life will suffer because I won’t have money to enjoy any of those activities. I will be taking odd jobs until something better comes along. Honestly the idea of doing something different every day or each week excites me though. I’ve been bored too long. Cubicle life just wasn’t for me.
Speaking of cubicle life. Did I ever mention how I manifested that job? A cubicle job was all I craved while working shitty hours at coffee stands. I’d dream of it. I would feel legitimate if only I had my very own cubicle to decorate. It would mean “I’d made it”. It’s a “real job” if you work a 9-5 doing data entry in a windowless building. About a month into the job I knew this wasn’t what I wanted and yet I stood back in awe at the power of my brain. It’s part of the reason I feel so hopeful now. If I want it bad enough. If I work hard enough. I can have it.
This is why I’m putting every ounce of energy I have into my goal. I took action. I’m moving forward. Stop worrying because I’m not.
Happy to report that the mood here has improved. I still hate my job, but the meds make me just go through the motions. Not something I want permanently, but we are in survival mode here people.
So I’ve mentioned I have goals that have no wavered even in this slump I’ve been in. I’ve been hesitant to mention this goal because it seems so unreachable and yet I know I will make it happen. I’ve never wanted anything more.
I want to work for Unicorn Island Productions in any way shape or form. Even if this means for free. I.Will.Make.This.Happen. I have no idea how mind you, I just know that I will make it work. I want to go to work at something I’m passionate about. Unicorn Island Productions tell stories that aren’t being told in mainstream media and that is what I’ve fallen in love with.
I won’t be told no. I won’t be told “Amy, that’s not going to happen”. I will fight for this. I will come back to this post and sit in awe at the power of a good hustle.
I feel at a loss today. I’m in yet another coffee shop. Starbucks my old friend. I should be at work again, but I’m not. I have a doctor’s note and a stack of benzodiazepines. Is this blog getting boring, too real, too heavy? Comment below.
Sorry for the bummer attitude of these most recent posts. What can I say? Amy Uncharted just isn’t feeling as positive as usual. And it’s a weird thing. I’m not feeling depressed per say. I still have my goals in mind that I’m actively pursuing. Life doesn’t feel all that bad. I am just reaching this point where I need to do something of value and what I’m doing now just seems so pointless.
I have this app on my phone called “Subliminal Vision Board”. It’s an electronic vision board generator. I’ve been using it quite heavily and it’s pretty fun and helpful. I’ve created one for Money, Career, and Friends. It’s cool because it lets you add music too. You can take a “Subliminal Take 5” where you look at your vision board while the photos flash in front of you and the music plays. I’ve been watching mine every day and it’s part of what has kept me as positive as possible. Here is one of my vision boards:
The music that plays along with this one is Lilly Singh’s “Voices”. I find it very inspiring.
I will leave you with that video.
I’m sitting at a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf this morning. Coffee shops are my uppers. Honestly, when I feel shitty I instantly feel a little better with my computer, a cup of coffee, and a comfy chair. What am I doing you might ask? Well, I took the day off. I have a psych appointment at 1:30 and in the mean time I’m job hunting and applying. This is 100% a better use of my time than stressing at work. You may not agree. You may think I’m being lazy or irresponsible, but to that I say I am simply chasing something better. I don’t know what it is…but I know I won’t find it at work today. Am I feeling guilty? You bet. Am I feeling nervous about returning to work tomorrow to 1 million emails, angry customers, and the need for a valid excuse to tell my boss? Indeed. I can’t think about tomorrow. I seriously feel like I’m going to have a heart attack when I do. My heart tightens, I lose my breath, and my stomach drops. What is wrong with me?
When I feel like this you know what I like to do? Think about aliens. I even watch alien documentaries. Why? Because it makes all these stupid problems seem so small and unimportant. Just thinking about the universe(s) can calm me down. This life is just a dot. So small.
So I’ll leave it at that. I have a lot to work on today.
I’m on the hunt for a new job and it has to happen fast. I need to get out of where I am. My current position is triggering panic attacks left and right, making me extremely unreliable when it comes to my attendance. I left work early again today. Honestly, heart racing, sweaty palms, massive headache 30 minutes into my shift all dissolved and gone the second I stepped out of the building. Customer service has always done this to me. Sometimes it happens years into my job, a few months, or just weeks. Then I sit there and suffer until I just up and quit. I’m trying so hard right now to stick it out and be responsible, but I secretly packed up my desk today as if I wasn’t coming back. To be continued…