It’s that time again!
Usually I go line by line on my resolutions I had for the year and talk about what worked well and what didn’t. It was a weird year though. I feel like I accomplished so much, but none of them were specific goals I had.
I bullet journaled for a hot second and I wish I’d stuck with it. I abandoned it by March, but reading up on the start of the year was interesting. I fell HARD for someone. Like to the point that my bullet journal is just an obsession ‘ode to the person. It literally reads like a middle schooler’s diary with couple initials scribbled everywhere. (Okay I didn’t actually do that, but you get the point). I learned a lot (and unfortunately am still learning) from that crush. Catching feelings for someone IS possible after promising myself I would NEVER AGAIN. Reflecting on it now I realize how very safe that crush was…is? I think subconsciously I knew that nothing would ever happen, so I could sit and pretend and obsess without actually ever being vulnerable. I’ve got actual big plans for my love life in 2020 so stay tuned for that.
I feel the only area of my year I was truly successful in was my friendships. My life is absolutely filled with the most incredible and kind people. My vision board at the start of the year just said simply “true, supportive, honest, and funny FRIENDS”. Damn the universe delivered. Even beyond friends, I’ve met just some really interesting people and realized that I actually enjoy the company of others.
I absolutely failed in my fitness/health goals. I literally didn’t have the energy. There is also a weird fear laced within it all. I’m afraid of facing my body. Looking at it and trying to love it, I fear that I’ll fail and…become miserable again? I’ve realized that I avoid A LOT out of fear of becoming “my old self” again. It’s why I don’t pursue love and why I’ve developed a blase attitude towards food/health. If I’m not trying I’m not failing right? Wrong I know, but that’s where my mind was this year. And failing is big for me. It’s not a trip or a stumble. I FALL. And I just can’t afford that. I worked to hard to get my mind right. To be happy. And I’m TERRIFIED of that going away. I have ‘happiness’ in a death grip right now and I need to ease up and just let life be.
I had a big career goal that I didn’t reach this year and that’s okay. I know it will happen when the time is right. I spent this year being complacent and intentionally stuck in my current career. I’ve definitely grown comfortably uncomfortable which means it’s time to move on. Watch out 2020 I’ve got plans for that too.
Next post will by my annual 50 Resolutions post. I’ve got some cool things in the works and I feel really positive moving into the new year. I’m ready to say good bye and thank you to 2019. Oh yeah! And I’ll also be celebrating my 2 year LA anniversary.