Brain Dump

You should know that I come here weekly, type out a blog, delete it all, then shut my computer and move on. I have been in a real creative funk recently. This whole year actually. And it’s not that I don’t have things to say. I literally come and write out an entire post. It’s my confidence in posting it that’s lacking. It’s not interesting enough. Pointless. Stupid. I’ve also had a hard time containing my thoughts and capturing them into sentences that will resonate with anyone. I’m going to post this today though. Regardless of any of my insecurities.

Part of the problem is that my mind and life has been a complete jumble of thoughts and reflections. I worry about having ONE post about too many things, but whatever. This will be a brain dump today.

Things that I’ve done in the last few months that were cool:

-I moved to Hollywood! I absolutely love it. I have an amazing roommate and we live in the heart of the city. Something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. I’m a block away from a Starbucks. There is a movie theater across the street. And the nightlife here is crazy, though I haven’t fully explored that. The energy here is wonderful. I’ve always said I liked living in the city just to know that there were things going on around me whether I chose to participate or not. The same goes here. Everything is alive.

-I got to meet Lilly Singh again. Right before the launch of her late night show too. She was as lovely as ever. Honestly, her energy is….I’m at a loss for words. You hug her and she radiates this…something. I don’t know what I’m trying to even say. She looks you directly in the eye when you speak to her and you just know that you are fully being seen. It’s an indescribable feeling. The day after I met her I skipped out of work early to go to the taping of her show. Watching her work was incredible. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be with all the projects she is juggling. I feel inspired and alive when I see her. I don’t have any “real life” mentors, but Lilly Singh has been the closest to that for me. She is with me when I’m struggling to push through the day or when I need a boost of confidence. I could write pages on this, but you get the point.

-I’ve met Grace and Mamrie 3 times since I last blogged. That’s nuts! I went to VidCon, a taping of TMGW in Seattle, and one in Irvine, CA. I’ve said it time and time again, but I owe my life to these women. The kindness they show to their fans is absolutely incredible and I will forever be thankful for the part they have played in my life.

Some thoughts that have been swirling around in my head:

-I had my work 1 year anniversary a few weeks back. It’s really interesting to see how far I’ve come socially. I’ve worked with the most amazing people this last year and made friends that I know will be with me forever. I’ve really struggled making friends since…college. And, if I’m being honest, I still struggle. I have a hard time being open with people or just being myself. I always worry I’m too much. So I hold myself back. I don’t text or call as much as I want to. I don’t ask too many questions out of fear I’ll overstep. This prevents a lot of my friendships from being anything other than surface level. I have grown a lot over the last year and have a couple of friends who have truly shown me that I’m an okay person. I remember when I was first invited out for drinks after work I was so nervous and thought everyone hated me. I literally had convinced myself of that. I thought “well, that was fun but it won’t happen again”. And then…I was invited out the next time. It’s silly to think about now, but I was so surprised that people actually wanted to hang out with me. I’m still surprised by it sometimes. These friends have taught me so much over this year though. I regularly sit in my head with this gratefulness that I’m feeling now. I am beyond lucky that these people came into my life.

-I feel completely directionless. I’m trying not to fall into despair over this and just go with the flow of life and experiences, but it does bum me out that I don’t know what I want. Career wise? No clue. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not entirely happy in the position I have anymore, but I don’t know what I want. Love life? What do I want? No. Fucking. Clue. I do really well alone. In that, nothing triggers my anxiety. But it’s a bit lonely. But I’m doing okay…I think?

-My life as it is going right now, is not sustainable. I have FOMO like you would not believe when I turn down invitations. I also genuinely like hanging out with the people that invite me out. I’ve never been in the position where every weekend is booked with plans. I need to budget. I need to get back my morning routine. For my sanity. There is this little thing in me that is worried though. Will I be forgotten? I worry I will. And then I will be alone again. Wow we’re gettin’ real here.

So, I think this is long enough and I’m fighting the urge to delete it all. I’m going to try to get a few more posts in here before the year ends.

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