Practice Reckless Optimism. I am killin’ this game. Being reckless? That’s a hardcore yes. Optimistic? Unusually yes. I am practicing the shit out of this philosophy created by my fav Hannah Hart. For me it means finding hope in what might be a hopeless situation.
I quit my job.
Yes, let that sink in. Worry about how I will make money, what I will do with my extra time. Worry that I’m not on my meds (I am). Worry that I’m not doing okay. Now, take that worry and for lack of better words…shove it. I am doing the best ever. I feel light. I feel hopeful. I truly feel like I’m moving in the right direction. That job was bringing me down so hard. My mental health was suffering almost beyond repair. I knew I’d be missing more work in the future in order to take care of myself. Monday and Tuesday I literally spent 8 hours staring at my computer or at my phone. I had absolutely zero drive. I couldn’t focus. Blame it on the new meds or whatever. I just couldn’t do it. My nightly self care routine hasn’t been enough to make up for the way I felt 8 hours a day at work.
Here’s what this means. I know I won’t have the freedom to see the shows I have had the privilege and honor to see since moving here. My already non existent social life will suffer because I won’t have money to enjoy any of those activities. I will be taking odd jobs until something better comes along. Honestly the idea of doing something different every day or each week excites me though. I’ve been bored too long. Cubicle life just wasn’t for me.
Speaking of cubicle life. Did I ever mention how I manifested that job? A cubicle job was all I craved while working shitty hours at coffee stands. I’d dream of it. I would feel legitimate if only I had my very own cubicle to decorate. It would mean “I’d made it”. It’s a “real job” if you work a 9-5 doing data entry in a windowless building. About a month into the job I knew this wasn’t what I wanted and yet I stood back in awe at the power of my brain. It’s part of the reason I feel so hopeful now. If I want it bad enough. If I work hard enough. I can have it.
This is why I’m putting every ounce of energy I have into my goal. I took action. I’m moving forward. Stop worrying because I’m not.